Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I'm In.

I have been praying for something for a long time. Like a LONG time. And I have seen no progress whatsoever toward working things out in this particular area. None. Frustrating? Yes.

But recently, I have seen progress. And not just subtle progress - major progress. And I'm at a point where I think I can share with you, albeit jumbled and with an erroneous comma thrown in all willy nilly (I stink at comma usage), what God has been doing. Because in the middle of all of this, He is showing up. Big time. And He deserves total credit.

Which is why I'm going here...aaannnddd breathe.

I am overweight. I'm not just a little fluffy. I'm FAT. Let's not sugar-coat things. My weight issues stem from lots of things - insecurities, past circumstances (vague much?), blah blah blah. And I have prayed and prayed and BEGGED God to take this issue, which happens to be my ISSUE (everyone has issues, and everyone has an ISSUE. This one is mine.) away from me. But I have just stopped there. It never occurred to me that God was answering my prayer by holding it in front of me and telling me to COME GET IT. It never occurred to me that God would have me deal with some stuff on the inside before He would make it clear that I can handle dealing with the stuff on the outside. Have I mentioned that I'm stubborn and hard-headed and can generally make people with lots of common sense bang their heads against a wall? Well I am.

I've always been known as the "Fun Friend." I'm allegedly pretty cool to hang out with. I make people laugh. I have heard "you could be so pretty if you just would lose weight" more times than I care to count. But I hate HATE myself because of my weight. And you know what I do when I start thinking about it? I eat (a Snickers). Which makes me gain weight. And then I hate myself. And then I eat (a Hershey Bar). Then I gain weight. See the spiral? It STINKS. And I have been riding the spiral for way too long now. I realized that I am good at taking care of my spiritual needs. I am great at taking care of the needs of others (ie. husband and kids). I am the worst-person-last-place-number-1-loser at taking care of myself physically. And that makes God sad. Our bodies are supposed to be a temple and mine is a jacked up 7-eleven. I realized that I am actually taking AWAY from the glory that belongs to God by treating this body - that He loves and made specifically for me in order to bring Him glory - so horribly. I am basically sinning by being so overweight. Sit on that one for a minute. It HURTS.

Looking back, I'm seeing some signs (that are as clear as crystal now) that God was moving. First, a brand new gym opened up in my neighborhood and coincidentally (HA!) a bridge was closed on the route that took us to our old gym (that I never went to - excuse after excuse....) making the trip there LONG. Second, the new gym cost less for a COUPLE'S MEMBERSHIP than a single membership at the old gym. Third, Spencer gave me 4 sessions with a personal trainer for Christmas - which was a leap of faith for him knowing that I could accept them happily or claw his eyes out for suggesting that I could use some help (ahhh, female hormones, how funny you are...). But he loves me. A lot. And he wants the best for me. So he did it. And I'm glad he did. Fourth, the trainer who I was assigned to, Beth - and had been praying for - was the.perfect.match. for me. And considering the fact that I'm all insecure and intimidated by gyms, trainers, and anyone wielding a dumbbell, I'd say that was a major God move there. She is awesome. (And she kicked my behind today - I'm pretty shocked that my arm muscles have quit shaking enough for me to type. A thought that makes her laugh and say, "Yesssss!!!" The little punk.)

So. How have I progressed? First, the JUNK that I used to crave is gone. GONE. I have been most amazed by that. Because food has been such a thorn in my side for SO LONG, I just knew that it would be the biggest obstacle that I would have to overcome. I think God knew that, too. Because He has released me from it. And I cannot begin to tell you how much I praise Him for it. Second, I have no idea what I weigh - Beth knows. But for now I don't want to know. I think I will want her to tell me how much I've lost (I weigh every other week) but I don't think the number is something I need to obsess over (have I told you that I tend to obsess over stuff like that, too? Ahem.). Third, I WANT TO EXERCISE. What the junk? Hello old Robyn, meet new Robyn. She is a strange bird according to what you used to know.

So here I am. Totally in. Ready to take this by the horns and wrestle it down. God has been SO FAITHFUL. I'm such a work in progress - aren't we all? - and I need all the help I can get (that means you, Beth :D) on this journey. I'm sure there will be tears (there already have been) and frustrations and good times. There will be successes and failures. I will want to quit, but (again, Beth) I won't. Phil 1:6 says "he who began a good work in you (me) will be faithful to carry it on to completion."

To Him be the glory.