Baby Steps.

It has been exactly 11 weeks and 3 days since I first mentioned the weight loss journey that I have started.

Eleven weeks and three days. Wow. I had no idea how much time had passed. It's a little surreal to take note of the time that has passed since I made a decision to change everything I knew about living a healthy lifestyle. Everything.

So, quickly, here's an update. I have lost 22 lbs. I ran (for the most part) 2 miles a few days ago. I feel great. I can see noticeable changes in my body. I'm strong and love ab workouts (I'm sorry, who is this person?). I'm doing the Shred Level 3 and am kicking it. And I'm very pleased with the progress that I've made.

I'm having success in some areas. My trainer, Beth, who I adore. ADORE. - She is the real deal and has become such a dear friend and mentor - stepped up my workouts yesterday. There was NO WAY I could've done 1/4 of what she had me do the first day I worked out with her. I'm wearing clothes that I haven't worn in a while. I wore a sleeveless dress today. Whattheheck? (Still not quite sure I'm ready for the sleeveless, but it was HOT outside and I was at the ballpark and a pool party blah blah blah...). I'm sleeping well and have more energy now. I'm eating fish (I hated fish). I still refuse to eat cottage cheese (wink, Beth). I guess some things never change. :)

But.

I'm struggling in some areas. Mostly food related. As I said in my previous post, I prayed for a while for the Lord to take away some certain cravings that have hindered any sort of weight loss or living healthy for years. And He did. They are gone. I'm still amazed by the grace that He pours out on little ole me every single day. The craziest part of my struggles with food lately have been the fact that I'm not eating enough. I can't seem to get my calories up. And, according to Beth, my body will soon begin to think it's starving and I'll quit losing weight. HELLO, that's SO not what I want.

So here are my thoughts on this... (FYI, this is some personal stuff, people. This is HARD to write in a public arena. But I honestly feel that transparency is my best ally right now. I'm sick of hiding. I'm sick of pretending that I'm ok when I'm living in a not-quite-as-jacked-up 7Eleven. I'm straight up sick of it. I will never ever get better if I bury my head in the sand and pretend that none of this exists - like I have done for waaayyy too many years.) I believe with all my heart that I'm finally getting a grasp on this food "addiction" that I had/have. However, there's some MAJOR FEAR associated with conquering something that has been such a stronghold on my life for so long. I'm scared of eating too much, so I eat too little. My fear of going back to who I was (in reality, in some ways still am), is causing me to overcompensate and not eat enough. I want this lifestyle that I have adopted to last forever. And I know that if I don't figure it all out, I'll go back to old me. This is where the baby step aspect of this whole thing makes me want to pull my hair out. I want major results NOW. I want to lose an insane amount of weight just like The Biggest Loser. I want it all to move so much quicker! This is the area that makes Beth want to take one of those dumbbells that she constantly puts in my hands and hit me over the head with it. She can see the end result so much clearer than I can. She has more faith in me than I do.

The years of self doubt and self sabotage are staring me in the face and are challenging me to a duel. Who will win?

Good thing I'm competitive. Good thing I have a God who WILL NOT fail me. Good thing His word says that He will complete a work in me. Good thing that God is who He says He is and will do what He says He will do. Praise Him.

I will win this battle. Then I will win the war - 7 jillion baby steps from now (grrr.). I will go through struggles and frustrations (like now) but I will see this thing to the end. I. Will.

Thank you for journeying with me. You have NO IDEA what you mean to me.

Love you all -